My heart was sore within me...........

I just got back from a wonderful weekend at Bear Lake with some of my most favorite people. People whom I love dearly and who love me. People who shower me with love and affection and often tell me how much they love being with me. And yet, this weekend, my heart was sore within me....... Why?
It has been 22 years since my beloved David died and nearly 3 years since my divorce from Timothy was finalized and the simple fact is I am lonely. I am rarely alone, I have my children, 2 who are close by and one I keep in close contact with, my job keeps me in contact with many on a daily basis, my church connections provide a wonderful support group and I regularly spend time with my friends and family. However, I am still lonely. Loneliness is a strange friend. It lurks, unseen, always watching over your shoulder and often jabbing you in the heart, reminding you that you have no-one to call your own.

I watched my dear Chris and Jacqui, who celebrate their 20th anniversary next month. Their love is strong and true, borne of commitment and work, and mutual attraction. Their first love is God and this choice determines the outcome of much of their life. I watched my dear niece Carissa and her sweet husband of 7 months, Jake, tease and laugh and love one another in the time-honored fashion of newlyweds. And I missed having both those experiences in my life. There is nothing that can compare with having someone of your own.


When I finally got a TV in my bedroom, (after not being allowed to have one for many a year) I joked and said that it was a fine substitute for a husband - if you got bored, you could change the channel, you could choose to laugh, cry or feel romantic and when you were done, you simply pressed "off!" But........... I lied.

"Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~Laurence Marks, M*A*S*H "

However, wanting a husband is one thing. Finding a good one is another. "There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance. "

My sister told me to make a list of what I want and to "put it out into the universe" (or in my case, tell God)
"To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness." ~Robert Brault
So here it is:
LDS
Honest (absolutely essential - I have spent too much time with the opposite!)
Kind
Good sense of humor (essential!!!)
Similar interests
Self supporting
Healthy
"The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men.
~Lupe Velez
(But may I add tall, with a nice smile and nice hands?)

However, it has been my experience in the last 50 years that giving God a list of what I want does not guarantee anything. There is a saying "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans!"
Well, after He has had a good laugh, I hope He will help :) But I realize I have to do my part.
That means I have to make myself available to find this person.
That means I have to look my best (that's a whole other post :)
(for a long time I have said:"Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!" and that's part of the problem)

Look my best, be my best and put my best out there. I am not quite at that point.

But I am ready to start the process because "Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia." Judith Viorst

I have even set a time constraint - by this time next year, I must have achieved those three things. "I think I can, I think I can........ I know I can?"

So although "my heart was sore within me" this past weekend, it has given me much to reflect upon and has strengthened my resolve to change the situation. It also made me reflect on how much I do have to be grateful for, because while I don't have someone of my very own, I have so many someones who are there and do love me and fill my life with joy and fun and laughter and happiness.

They surround me with love and happily often chase that bad friend loneliness away.